Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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