I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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