I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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