the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
