The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
