Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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