Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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