Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
