What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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