We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
