finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
