Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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