I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
