for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
