I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
