My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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