first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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