Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
