Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
