I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
