I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
