I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
