I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
