I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
