My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
