first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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