Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
