My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
