True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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