I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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