I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
