Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
