Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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