Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
