new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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