Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
