the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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