Umm I'm too high to move.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
