I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
