'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
