Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
