dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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