I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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