yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
