i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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