Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize