Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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