the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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