I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
