i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
