I think I just saw someone hide a body.
please come you make the beer taste better
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
