Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
