Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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