someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
