he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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